When I look back at my past, I see all those amazing people I had in my life.
There were those green fatherly eyes that made my days brighter and tea with milk just a little bit sweeter.
There were my first (and last) cigarettes that I smoked and washed their taste down with wine. There was the “Moonlight Sonata” played live over and over again on the phone by a curly-haired boy.
There were long South African walks in the city after the sun was gone and smiles that you don’t know London overground. There were sneaky kisses to remember when we sulked in our own shadows of guilt. Every few years.
There were jokes in the park and Edinburgh in summer. There were Christmas trees for surprise and love promises for presents. There was always toast in the morning and a long-waited ability to sleep at night. All curled up in your English hug with a scent of happiness. There were tears over unborn mistakes and many long hours of silence between us. There was a selfish girl just standing next to the best thing that has ever happened in her life.
There were crazy poems that are forgotten now and one song to be played on loop throughout the night. There were black crystal roses and nasty phone calls that ruined so much for me at a time. There were names for non-existent little girls. I still remember them.
There were carved names in the tree and hidden memories of Tom Ford mist around us.
There were miles and miles between us with those hand-written letters and pictures in black and white. There were plans to hold hands and meet your dog. I still wonder about him. There were stories about a butterfly and… hyphened honesty that held all this together.
There were so many people in my life. That were let down. That were taken for granted.
And here I am. With a cold cup of tea and another song playing on repeat for the past hour. With tears being wiped with the back of my hand and voices in my head telling me to stop.
I had that all. And now I don’t. And never will.
Today was special. It made me understand that now I’m by myself. Alone. An empty shell for your convenience.
And when I thought I could at least try to enjoy those green-eyed dreams of elephant at night and ginger biscuits on the bench…they are too far. And will be taken away before I get a chance to know them.
But I don’t want your pity. I’m strong, remember?
– Chatty Owl has left the building –